To Lose
by Stormangel982
Summary: In the aftermath of AHBL Part 1 Dean struggles to cope.


SPOILER: for All Hell Breaks Loose Part 1

DISCLAIMER: Nope still not mine, but working on it.

Summary: In the Aftermath of AHBL 1 Dean Struggles To Cope

To Lose

He knew what it was to lose.

He knew what he felt like to have your soul torn from you.

He had lost his mother, ripped from him when he was just a babe. He had her long enough to know what he was losing but not long enough for the memories of her still to be whole.

He had lost his father. A man who sacrificed himself so he could live but did his father ever wonder how he was supposed to live with that?

And now, now he had lost his baby brother, the child he had sworn forever to protect. The brother he had failed.

He had lost everyone he had ever cared for, he had failed all those he ever loved and now he was to be forever alone.

He knew what it was to lose.

Mornings are always so very hard. You wake up to feel the gleam of a new day spread itself upon your face. You can hear the soft chirping of the birds outside, the morning buzz of the people going about their day and for a split second all feels right with the world.

But then it hits you.

Fast, hard, unrelenting, stealing away your air, suffocating you.

Today is no better than the day before. He is still gone, you are still alone and you are still lost. You cannot be saved and there is no one left to be saved for.

So you stay, under the covers not sleeping yet not really awake just laying there trying to keep your mind from thinking and your heart from aching. You don't win, you never win.

Finally nature causes you to rise. You are not willing but forced no matter how much you loathe the thought of actually moving, your body needs relief and messing yourself is a standard that even you won't go there.

Since your up you make the most of it and turn on the shower. As the water runs and the steam builds in the enclosed area you watch the drawn appearance of your face disappear in the mirror. There is relief in that as the reflection you see haunts you. There are heavy bags under darkened, empty eyes. Lines of grief and torment are poorly hidden behind week old growth. You have aged years within weeks and your face tells no lies.

Stepping under the running water you attempt to wash away your sorrow and burden but no matter how hard the water beats upon your weary body you still come out feeling as weighed down as before. The day's dirt has been washed away but still you are not clean.

Dressing you notice that your clothes that once fit you well now hang loosely upon your shrinking frame. It's another indication that you are not taking care of yourself like you should, like he would want you too, like they would want you too. But, they are not here, they have left you to face the world alone and you realise this line of thought is nothing more than a vicious, bitter circle that leaves you both angry and guilt stricken. How dare you be angry at him, at them, their death is your failure.

Back in the room you settle on the uncomfortable bed and switch on the TV not to really watch but just to cover the overwhelming silence that floods the room.

You watch the images that flicker on the screen. You try to pay attention you don't want to be able to think but your mind is unyielding and it keeps returning to those you've lost and then the screen is blurry as tears run down your face. You don't remember them starting but you know how to stop them.

A decision is made, you can't stay here you have to get out. So you're up from the bed grabbing your bag, jacket and keys and the door swings shut behind you. Moments later this place is nothing more than a trail of dust behind you.

Driving. It used to bring you such freedom, such liberation. The growl of the engine, the roar of the music and the feel of the road beneath your wheels eased and soothed you but now no matter how far you go, how many hours you spend driving from where you were, the facts don't change. They can't change. But still you keep driving, you have no place to go, nowhere to be, you just don't want to be where you were. Your running from yourself but there is no where to hide.

Its late afternoon when you finally pull over. You have no idea what town your in you just know its low key. It's the kind of place where no questions will be asked for you have none to give.

You reluctantly allow yourself to glance to the passenger seat, up till now you have resisted the temptation, refused to acknowledge the empty space that was once filled. He sat there.

He sat there and argued with you, he sat there and comforted you, he sat there and was just simply with you. He sat there and now he is gone.

Jerking the car door open you flee from the emptiness and lean upon the bonnet. You feel the ache in your chest tighten, and clutch a trembling hand to the phantom pain, you can't breathe. You feel so trapped and your breaths come out only in short and weakened gasps now as you once again fight back the tears that threaten to gush. He's gone and you no longer know how to be.

"Mister are you ok?"

You look down and there before you stands a boy, no more than eight. Shaggy brown locks hang carelessly over puppy dog eyes focused worried on you, on a man he has never known.

You smile a bitter smile to yourself as you attempt to pull yourself together. Why him, of any of those who might approach a man clearly on the verge of losing it, why did it have to be a boy who was the spitting image of HIM.

You pull back from the car and back away from the boy, you can't take it. It's not fair. _Stay away from me._

"Mikey come here. Don't talk to strangers"

The boy's mother calls and he gives you one last look of confusion, sadness, sympathy before he turns and races away leaving you to crumple onto the ground. It's all too much, you can't handle the pain, your drowning and there is no-one to pull you from the raging water, there won't ever be.

You know you must look a sight as you stumble into the reception area of another dingy motel but you just don't care, you can't care, you don't have the energy. You are beyond exhausted, everyday seems to drain your body more and more and you wonder if the day will come when there will be nothing left to be drained.

You ask for a room just for the night, you know you won't stay longer. You haven't stayed more than a night in any one place since you laid him to rest. You know that your running from the inevitable but for now this seems to be working for you, for now it will do.

Staggering into the room shrugging off your jacket and depositing it carelessly onto the sole chair in the room you head for the bed unceremoniously landing on it and instantly closing your eyes. There is no energy to remove your shoes and no desire hide beneath the covers it's not like they can protect you from the hurt. Nothing can.

Another day is over and as you slowly drift into another restless nights sleep you only hope that when you wake tomorrow you find that this was all a horrific nightmare. You can only hope to wake and find that you are not alone and that he is still by your side, or you can only hope that you simply don't wake at all.

Dean Winchester knows what is to lose.

He knows the abandonment that bites at your heart and the never ending ache that pries at your soul. He knows the feeling of being pulled into a black abyss and that no matter how hard you struggle it tugs you closer tightening its hold so you can barely breathe.

Dean Winchester knows what is to lose. Now he just wants to be able lose himself.

END

Yea so this was a one-shot that just would get out of my head. Please R&R would love to hear your thoughts:-)


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